soc.couples.wedding FAQ section 3

3) Engagement

3.1) Does a woman's ring have to be a diamond? Does it have to be expensive?

No. Many women prefer colored stones, such as sapphires, rubies, and emeralds. Colored stones can be set by themselves or with diamonds. Another possibility is to have a diamond or colored stone solitaire, with a wedding band that fits together with it (sometimes known as a "wrap") and contains diamonds or colored stones.

A woman's engagement ring can be as expensive or inexpensive as is appropriate to the finances and wishes of the couple. Some couples elect to have a diamond-like substitute, such as a cubic zirconia. This is not inappropriate, and there is no reason why this choice should need to be public knowledge.

3.2) Should the man pick out the ring by himself, or together with his prospective fiancée?

A man should endeavor to find out what his prospective fiancée prefers that he do. Some women want very much to be surprised with a ring; others feel very strongly that they wish to select their own ring.

If you would like to surprise your fiancée with a ring, but also want to take her wishes into account, there are several alternatives available to you.

• Go shopping with her casually, to get an idea of what she likes, but make the final decision on your own.
• Make an agreement with the jeweler that you can return the ring you chose at full value for another ring if your fiancée wants to choose something else. Your fiancée will probably be hesitant to say she would rather have something other than what you picked out, so you will want to reassure her that you really do want her to pick the ring she likes best. You may also want to take her to the jeweler even if she says she doesn't want to go, to make sure she gets to see what the other choices are. This should be done very shortly after the proposal, before she has a chance to get overly attached to the ring you gave her.
• Get an inexpensive ring for the proposal, and explain that it is a place holder for a ring you'll select together.

3.3) What about engagement rings for men?

There are a number of options for engagement rings for men.

• He can wear his wedding ring on his other hand until the wedding. This is traditional in a number of countries; for example, in Germany, this is traditional for both men and women.
• He can wear a non-wedding ring on either hand; some couples choose a silver band or claddagh ring.
• He can have a man's ring with a stone, which he might wear on his other hand after the wedding if it wouldn't fit together with his wedding band.
• Both the man and the woman can have matching engagement/wedding ring sets.

3.4) Is it necessary to have a ring in order to propose?

Only if your prospective fiancée expects you to have one.

If you wish to have one, but cannot afford it, you might select an inexpensive ring or locket as a token.

3.5) Is a ring necessary at all?

No. It is not necessary to have an engagement ring in order to be engaged. If you choose not to have an engagement ring, you may want to exchange other engagement gifts or tokens. Some couples exchange earrings or necklaces; others exchange gifts that are not jewelry. Some ideas:

• Putting a down payment on a house as an engagement gift for each other
• Nice furniture, such as a roll-top desk
• a car
• bicycles, skis, or other sports equipment

Obviously, some of these gifts have more "lasting value" than others. Some people think it's very important that an engagement gift be of lasting value. Others don't find this important.

The contents of this document are copyright 2004 Sonja Kueppers. Do not use without permission.

Last Modified: May 15, 2004